The Idea of You Read online

  “B, we need to talk. Alone.” He gave Jane a glance and she shot one right over at me.

  “It's fine Jane.” I breathed slowly.

  She quickly grabbed her purse and darted, I didn’t blame her.

  I calmly sat down on my bed and he came over and put his hand on my face. I immediately felt his hand wet with my tears. I don’t know why I was crying, I ended it, but for some reason I couldn’t hold them back anymore.

  “B, please let me first apologize. The reason that I wanted you to live with me two days a week was because I didn’t want to overwhelm you, not because I can't handle you for more.”

  I couldn’t tell if this was passive aggressive Bo, charming Bo, or genuine Bo.

  “I want to take things to the next level because if we don’t do it now, we never will.” He was being honest and open. Something I knew existed in him, but rarely witnessed.

  He was right about that, I always assumed we never would be more than what we always were. I played the scenario in my head, over and over again and I thought, why not?

  Well, there were probably a million reasons why not, but I knew it wouldn’t be long before someone else replaced me, and that would tear me apart.

  Did I really want Bo? Or did I just not want anyone else to have him?

  Jane could stay here, so if I needed to I could come back, although I will have to make her pay rent, oh and she can't have sex with anyone in my bed. Slowly I took a deep breath in and exhaled the word… “Yes.”

  I feel like I just committed myself to marriage. I felt overwhelmed with emotion and thought maybe he was right, we should take it two days a week, but that would make me a hypocrite. Maybe we should have discussed it more, but I also love to run from confrontation oh, and also all of my emotions.

  “I’ll have your things packed for you and taken to my place while you’re home for the graduations.” I’d be an idiot not to love him. Right? I slowly leaned in and kissed him, and more tears streamed down my face except this time they were happy ones.

  In one swift motion he pulled me onto his lap, I stared into his eyes because quite honestly it was hard not to. His kiss always starts gentle, like a first kiss date, and always ends like I am his and only his and he wants to make sure everyone in the world knows it.

  I felt his hand creep up my back and unsnap my bra; the buttons from my shirt slowly began unbuttoning themselves and with one arm behind me, lays me softly on my back.

  I felt the passion from his kiss travel down my neck making it almost impossible to not let out a whimper of pleasure. When I felt him spread my legs open, the butterflies were back. I looked up and realized I was making love to one of the most beautiful men I have ever laid my eyes on.

  This time was different, this time I was emotional. The sex was always great, amazing actually, but this time was the first time I felt like we were actually in a relationship. This was the first time while he was inside of me that I told him I loved him.

  Chapter Three

  When Jane comes home to our apartment and I am alone, she thinks the worst. Her eyes are so big and her mouth is wide open, I can see the disbelief written on her face.

  “I’m moving in with him.”

  “No fucking way.”

  Her honesty never ceases for anyone. Also whereas I like to hide my emotions, she loves to embellish hers and take them up to level ten…always.

  “I mean, I’ve only been gone for two fucking hours, how is it even possible you’ve decided to move in with Mcdreamy, I’m sure you also had amazing makeup sex and all I did was get a latte!”

  “Well I think this is overdue, I mean why shouldn’t I move in with him?”

  “Um, because who will take care of me?”

  “Ah, Jane I think it’s time for you to grow up and move off of my couch into my bed.”

  “Really? You trust me that much?” She rolls her eyes and throws her empty latte cup at me.

  “You do know that there is a phone number on your cup right?”

  “Yeah, but he is a barrister, girl I need big money. Do you have any idea how stupid these women are marrying for love?”

  The sarcastic tone in her voice is unrecognizable. My poor Jane wanted more than anything to fall in love, but she thinks it’s not in the cards for her, so her next mission: marry for money.

  “Can I redecorate in here?” I could tell she was holding that in for all of thirty seconds.

  “Really Jane? It's smaller than your closet at your parents house, there isn’t much you can do, but sure.” She looked at me quite serious

  “If you need to come home, don’t hesitate.” I laughed.

  “I know bitch, I still own this place!” Suddenly I remembered there was something else I had to do, I had to tell Jer.

  I’ll definitely tell him at the graduation. That way he won’t think I am as crazy as I really am since I have been bitching to him about Bo for the past two years.

  That’s the catch twenty-two with your best friend, you tell them all your relationship secrets, what you really want, and if they are truly looking out for your best interest they will be the first to judge you when you do something incredibly stupid. I think moving in with Bo puts me at the top of that list.

  “Bells, George called and needs you to do a quick shoot for one of his new clients. Could you do it in an hour?”

  I jumped at the door slamming as I heard Becca’s voice behind me. I glance over my shoulder trying to figure out how Becca broke into my apartment. I looked over at Jane who shrugged her shoulders, and walked out the door. I’m sure she was headed to Neiman Marcus with my credit card to redecorate my apartment.

  “I guess so Becca, since I am guessing you already told him yes.”

  She glared at me, both of us knowing its true. She could sense the anger in my voice, but also knew me well enough to know that I cannot hold a grudge.

  I threw on a bra, loose tank top and some jean shorts. Lightly added some makeup since all of George’s clients are models, and ran out the door.

  I always did George's photo shoots at his apartment; he had a huge room with a drape already set up for me. These last minute calls were frequent, especially when he is promising new clients stardom, and trying to sign them faster than any of the other thousands of agents in NYC.

  I ran up the steps and knocked on George’s door, pondering where I would be without him. Probably still working 9-5 in the art gallery, selling portraits that were worth more than my parent’s home.

  George was a frequent purchaser for those exact art pieces. We got along great from the start, after about five months of working there he caught a glimpse of my photos that I was editing on my desk. I remember the conversation like it was yesterday.

  “Bells, my dear why is it that you don’t hang these beautiful photos in here? I’d pay just as much to have them as the last twelve.”

  My first thought was that he was just being kind. After I saw the seriousness in his eyes, I was overcome with shock. My mouth dropped, he was the first person to acknowledge that I could actually do this; I could actually be successful as a photographer. The conversation was short and sweet, after that moment George started using me to shoot all of his new clients. Then when they got bigger, they took me with them. Thus, I owe George for all of my success.

  With a quick movement the door flew open, and George’s arms were around me. He was like a father to me, my New York Guru. Many a times he was also my designated driver, and hangover healer. “It's always so fantastic to see you Bells, listen this one is great, but he’s a country boy so take it easy on him.” Although I’ve heard this a hundred times, I felt his passion about this one.

  I threw up my long blond hair into a big messy bun, and started working on the camera. I remembered when I first moved here, I had mousy brown hair, a terrible closet and a bad country accent.

  I laughed quietly to myself wondering if this country boy would even be able to tell that I was also from the country. It seems that although Geor
ge is aware, he never seems to actually acknowledge where I am from. It makes me proud that I fit in as a New Yorker, I’ve worked my ass off to mask my accent and hide my true identity. Finally I was all set to go when I slowly turned around and heard his voice…

  “Holy Shit.”

  George and I both stared in complete silence. I was lost in his eyes, and tried my hardest to pull out of the spell.

  “She’s cute, but she isn’t that cute.” George said, laughing nervously.

  “Bella.” The words were a whisper, almost in confusion.

  “Todd, good to see you.” My mind went completely blank, and filled with high school memories.

  I hated school parties, but Jer told me I had to go to this one.

  “It’ll be different.” He promised.

  “You say that about every party, and they are always the same, liar.” My arms were crossed over my chest.

  I hated parties because for one, I was always the odd one out. I never quite fit into a crowd, not that I was an outcast, just more so of an in-between all of the crowds. Everyone at parties however, picked their group, and stuck to it. Todd was that boy, the star Quarterback and Homecoming King every single year. He was Chapel Run’s very own cliché.

  I have loved Todd since I was in sixth grade; he was the first boy I ever liked, and the last until I moved to New York. He was also the boy I knew I could never have.

  It wasn’t until that party that I even realized he knew who I was. I was pissed at Jer, for leaving me to talk to a new girl, which was typical. I always felt like his sidepiece, he just wanted me there when he was feeling lonely, but always on the prowl for his main course.

  I never seemed to have a problem with it in the moment though, because being by Jer’s side felt right to me. He was my comfort zone, so when he left, I would find my way out of there too.

  The night of this specific party, I was specifically not in the mood to stand alone, even for a second. As soon as I felt the warmth of his body disappear I made my escape through the living room.

  The home was trashed, exactly how the movies portray teen parties. I glanced over at the stairs and saw couples in line, obviously waiting for the bedrooms to become available, but most not even caring that there was an audience regardless.

  The carpets had stains all over them, my stomach hurt for the girl who was hosting the party. I was always anxious, and I often donated my anxiety.

  Jessica, the party hostess was currently making out with the football linebacker on the couch. Oblivious to the chaos around her, and drunk on his kiss, she probably wasn’t even concerned with the disaster in her living room.

  I envied her for that very reason. I had always wanted to be thrown into a situation where nothing else mattered, but I always found myself unable to live in the moment.

  I picked up a couple of beer bottles, and headed out the front door. The heavier drinkers of the party were currently vomiting in the front yard. Jessica’s mom was going to be devastated when the sunlight hits the garden.

  Finally, I made it out to my car and saw that my tires had been slashed, yet another reason that I never went to those lame ass parties. Frustrated, because I had no cell phone at the time, I sat on the hood of my car and sobbed. It was one of those moments you look back on, and realize that you were being completely absurd.

  After five minutes of feeling sorry for myself crying, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I shoved it off before it could even find its placement.

  “Get the fuck off of me Jer.”

  “Um, Bella? Are you ok? Did Jer do something to you?”

  I froze, half embarrassed and half shocked that Todd was speaking to me, and I looked like a complete fool.

  “Yes, sorry. Someone just slashed my tires, and I was nervous I wouldn’t be able to find a way home for a while.” That sounded stupid.

  I was visibly shaking as he held out his hand to help me off the car. It was the awkward shake, where you try to hide the fact that you’re shaking.

  “I’m heading out too, can I drop you home?” I gazed at him confused, knowing that he had only just arrived to the party.

  “That would be great actually, thanks.” I managed through the chattering of my teeth.

  I grabbed my purse, and drove home with the only boy I ever loved, and he had no idea.

  I found myself covered in envy sitting in the passenger seat of his car. I ran through all of the girls I knew for certain he dated, added ten and then felt sick to my stomach that they all knew exactly what this felt like.

  He had R&B playing, which surprised me because I was certain he only listened to country music. I was breathing in every detail, the yellow Christmas tree that was freshly opened, reeking of vanilla, and empty Gatorade bottles in the back seat.

  The conversation was what I expected, but not what I had hoped for. Barely any words were spoken, since we really had nothing in common. I was thankful I didn’t live far, yet simultaneously disappointed. Before I knew it he was walking my up to the front porch.

  I turned quickly to thank him, and he placed his lips softly on mine. I closed my eyes and kissed him back as if we had been dating for years. He pulled away, and softly said “Goodnight,” and turned to leave.

  I felt the tears in my eyes start to pool. What the fuck just happened? He walked away so casually, like nothing even happened and I started to wonder if maybe I had dreamt that part up.

  He got to his car and before opening the door looked up at me. Surely it was too dark for him to see the tears streaming down my face, mostly in frustration.

  “Too bad we graduate in a week, I would have loved to see where this thing would have went.” And that was it. Those were the last words I heard from Todd, ten years ago.

  Back to reality, “Bells, you know this guy?” George asked in excitement, hoping it would help him seal the deal.

  “Yeah, you could say that.” I smiled softly and started to take my pictures.

  I was at a loss for words, and Todd kept trying to talk in-between photos but I kept telling him that I needed him to be quiet until the end of the shoot. He would just nod his head, and continue posing but I could read his anger in the pictures I was taking.

  Honestly, I needed to buy time; I had no idea what to say to him. Should I tell him that he looks ten times better than the last time that I saw him, that he broke my heart and never knew it, or that I still thought about him all the time? What the hell was I going to do?

  George glanced over at me, and I knew that he could tell I was prolonging the shoot. I needed more time to think. When I was taking the pictures, it was like I was on a treadmill, in the zone. I no longer had to put my full concentration on headshots, it was so monotonous I could do it half asleep, or hung over. So I took advantage and mentally checked out of my job. Finally after an hour and a half, I nodded, informing George that I had enough shots.

  “No shit.” George huffed under his breath.

  He was scrolling through his phone probably searching for the next starlet if Todd didn't work out.

  I turned away packing up my camera, when I felt his hand on my shoulder. I immediately got goose bumps, it was the same feeling I had on my shoulder ten years ago and it felt as if he had touched a painful scar, the ones you’ve had so long they are forgotten, until someone brings them to your attention again.

  Maybe I was being melodramatic about what happened back then, but the fact is he knew he fucked with my head. How could you possibly kiss someone, say that, and leave?

  “Bella, how have you been? It's been years, I would have never recognized you if it wasn’t for that smile.” Ugh don’t start with me Todd; I was letting my anger show.

  “I’ve been wonderful, thanks for asking.” I politely smiled.

  “That’s it? Really? Ten years and that’s all I get?” He was inviting himself into my world, and I was going to fight against it. Was I the only one that remembered vividly what he did?

  “I guess so. I’m quite busy these days.” I had a
pang of excitement knowing that I was established in the big city and he was still trying to do something with his life. Then immediately following that excitement, I felt disappointment in myself for feeling that way. Damn conscience.

  “Bella, can I at least take you out for a drink?” Here we go…..

  Chapter Four

  “Todd, I have to run back to my apartment to drop my camera off and get changed. If you want to come with me I can drive us somewhere after to get drinks.”

  “Absolutely. Love to.” He smiled and I was again conscious of my heartbeat.

  He helped me pack up my things, and followed me like a puppy all the way home. How Ironic. I remember being in his shoes for my entire high school career, just not as obvious.

  My eyes glanced over my shoulder as I took him in. He is everything I remembered and better. His defined jaw line, naturally golden highlighted hair, and beautifully chiseled abs, I had to look, I was taking pictures.

  I took in a deep breath that almost hurt. How will I explain to Bo that I am going out with this gorgeous man, who might I add Bo does know that I had a crush on throughout high school. Fortunately, Todd is completely unaware, as is every other person on this earth about our first and last kiss.

  “You really have changed Bella, wow.” I batted my lashes and blushed.

  “Todd, it would be a miracle if you lasted three months in NYC without changing, I guess you could say I just evolved.”

  “I mean it Bella, you look amazing.” I felt him place his hand on my lower back, and it felt right so I didn’t try to move him.

  I got butterflies in my stomach, that’s a first for me, since the first kiss that we shared in high school. Bo never gave me butterflies, maybe because I always thought we would never last. He was great, but not a great love. Not the kind of guy you write stories about great. I had written the story of Todd and I thousands of times in my head, each one slightly different than the last, all of them end up with us married with five kids. And here he is.